LOTRO: Ilcapitanotsu & Commedia De Fart!

3 Dec


Interviewer: Here I am with an Ill captain Tsu… from Withywindle server and member of the Family kinship…presumably nothing to do with the murderous cult? I hope you’re feeling better… and his female herald (checks notes)…Fred?, and Huntress guide, Marimere.

Illcaptanotsu: (Standing proudly, chest puffed out, legs spread heroically*, big plumed hat waved energetically, flanked on either side by flag waving herald and bow wielding hunter): Maybe u hear mi? I is… Capitan Spavento della Vall’Infernae e Salvador de los Vírgenes Borrachos (Fred and Marimere eyes roll) also known as Escobombardon e Fanfarone

Marimere (interjects): He does indeed eat a lot of beans…

Illcaptanotsu (flustered):…Il’capi’tano’Tsu,  don’t you make comedy of mi arté, or I stick my foot riaght upya bottom! I ave bigga boots on! I isa not sick…wot stupid man is you…all weak and scrawny like…you a musician or some lessa creature? …The Family kinship, in my umble opinIon is the best thing to ‘appen ever…friendly, fun, ‘elpful and generous ta boot, which I will, as warned apply to ur butt ifa ya don’t show mi respect!

Intervierwer (assuming a fake humble smile and asking with false humility): Of course sir, but prey tell us of your LOTRO Update 15 experiences, a Captain Tsudryt **(looks at FRED, recognition sinking in illuminating his face)…did share his opinions of change in the past… Herald, you know this Captain Tsudyrt**?

Fred: Yes sir, I herald for him as well, he languishes still in Moria, camped out on the Landroval server, he is ready to progress but is waiting for the right time and people…I on the other hand am always on call to aide others and jumped at the chance to aide another Captain Tsu. So here I am in the service of Il capitano…(she waves affectionately at ilcapitano who is obviously, impatiently waiting to become the main focus of the interview again)…he drinks less and thankfully does not have such a fixation for bright orange!

Interviewer (looks over at the leather clad, bow wielding woman behind the captain): and you?

Marimere: I am but a humble huntress, I have joined with the captain to aide in speeding his progress through Middle Earth, initially I was employed as a tracker to hunt down elusive prey but as I know quick routes to far destinations and as I am always willing to share my bag space to carry his excess belongings, I travel light. I normally just follow behind the good captain, and find myself in little peril, unless of course he has been at the beans when I may make myself more active upwind so to speak…

Interviewer (gives a knowing smile and turns back to the impatient foot tapping (and boot wielding!)  captain): so sir can you tell me of your experiences in LOTRO after the recent update 15…?

Ilcapitanotsu: It is sad but tru that many capitano’s di arté are nuttin but chickens dressed as men…all featha no eggs…notta mi! I fighta and I leada men and da women, I is MODerno in mi attitudes to the fairer sex as FRED anda Marimere surely will attesta. I yell my intentiones out to the enemy and I join bodily in battales most mortales and mi fineries doth not conceal mi scares…(shows off most minor of scars…)

Indeed Il capitano is dressed well, no cloak for this man that would conceal his long tunic of navy blue with shiny stars embroidery of silver thread. This tunic over, heavy armour, simply crafted but well-polished and oiled…

Ilcapitanotsu: Wella update fiftin it no affect me much really, no beary types have I encountered, those Beornings I expected to be flooding the fields of Bree, as I am not YET the greatest capitano in Middle Earth the later changes have also not’a affectado mi mucho, the distant lands of Gondor are butt’a like a condor circling soma distant montaña…(looks off into the distance…)

Ilcapitanotsu (Focus back to the interviewer, continuing): Other changes I have not noticed, they chang’d summit about mi banner and I donna use em… now line-a-sight don’t effect it … all about rangé again.

Interviewer: Ok so Update 15 is not really affecting you, can you give us some thoughts about LOTRO generally then?

Ilcapitanotsu: Where to start…wella mi main goal is to earn TP*** cossa mi player(in da Real World!) is now ‘PREMIUM’ again and I must say that Archet is boring as hell and why anyone is expected to want to play LOTRO after spending an hour there is a wonda…I suppose I survived so others must too…

Marimere: Can I please add to this, I recently did the Archet run and as I am based on a completely new account I was amazed at how ungenerous the initial few hours of play are…I mean, 3 bags…really! Lucky I am not into makeup and perfumes…my freebies from LOTRO all pretty useless to be honest took up a bag after a few levels…I binned them all!

Ilcapitanotsu: Yeah yeah…, us veterans should be able to dodge this area for free if you aske mi! But I do like Bree, so mucha a do here. That Mayor hombre sent us on a silly tour de bree, ah notta estupido, I know how use auction house n stuff, but I wasted plenty time crafting  jewelry in crafting hall. Jewels n baubles be important… afta that we all took to Ered Luin and had plenty fun… back to Bree and off killin Orcs was we… now in the Barrow Downs killin wights for Bree rep anna tell ya going well it is…

Interveiwer: Have you had much experience of fellowships?

Ilcapitanotsu: Eh! Ama red blooded hombre anna don’t like that question…I don’t mess with a fellows I likka the ladies, proper higolo I…(Fred whispers into his ear, noticeably red with rage, il capitano calms down)…Oh you mean fellowship grouping, ya? Whirlstorm, a Lore master helpe us outta ina Taradans with lotta killin of broodhunter spids… his over grown legume stalker fing was quite scary…indeed killa brussel sprout springs to mind… cabbage on legs…I like mi ‘repollo’…

Fred and Marimere (in unison, holding their noses and looking sick): WE KNOW!

Ilcapitanotsu:  Same player also has Stormsong, now I got nothing wrong with minstrels they rock and indeed many are more powerful an mi myself…even if they screech and maka lotta noises…now a’capitan needs be noisy in battle too…

Fred and Marimere (in unison, holding their noses and looking sick): WE KNOW!

Ilcapitanotsu (looking oddly at the 2 ladies): Butta need to shout anda screama…(sees their faces) oh ya meana those noises (blushing!)…tis healthy to let loose and indeed in the thick of battle it would be dangerous to be full of such quantities of gases…

Marimere (laughing!): sometimes it is dangerous after you have emptied yourself of those infernal gases!

Interviewer: And what does the future hold for your illustrious self and ladies?

Ilcapitanotsu: Wella more undead to be re-slaughtered in the Barrow Downs, me wanna wrappa that uppa before travelling to yonder Lone Lands and possibly the North Downs… better get moving then, (waves his entourage to depart, bows gracefully and lets out a loud, odorous fart)  Hasta leugo, arrivederci…I bid thee farewell.

Interviewer (taken on a slightly green palor): Bye…

*Truly heroic pose as described in BLACKADDER S3: Sense and Senility

‘M: Yes. The ordinary fellow stands like well… as you do now.
M:  Whereas your hero… stands thus.
(The actors assume a heroic stance – legs spread wide, hips thrust forwards. The Prince follows suit.)
PR: Right. Well, that’s sort of like this…
K:  Excellent, Your Highness. Even more so…
PR: What, oh, like that? (Even wider, standing as if on a ledge. A creak sounds.) What was that noise?
M:  It wasn’t *me*! We are used to standing in this position.
(Another creak.)
PR: It came from over here. (opens a trunk to find Baldrick) Anarchist!
B:  Cleaner!
PR: So you’ve had a wash, that’s no excuse! (starts strangling Baldrick again)
E:  (Enters, amidst the screams) No sir, that is Baldrick spring cleaning.
PR: But he’s, look, he’s got a bomb!
E:  That’s not a *bomb*, sir, that’s a sponge.
PR: Oh yes, so it is. Well, get it out of here at once before it explodes.
(Exit Baldrick, carrying the sponge very gingerly at arm’s length.)’
And later:

‘K:  No, no, no, no… Your Royal Highness. What have you forgotten? 
PR: Oh now look, if I stand any more heroically than *this*, I’m in danger of seriously disappointing my future Queen. 
K:  No, no, Your Highness, not the stance… the *roar*.’

Great Series and here is a great blog that has all the scripts: AllBLACKADDERscripts


*** Turbine Points used to purchase in-game items, in my case I need the expansion Mirkwood for LV60-65.

Images stolen from: Nymphenburg



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